why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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