i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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