my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
