I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
