Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
