If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
