Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
