I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
