Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
