my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
