She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Randomize
