wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
As shirtless as possible
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
