My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
