Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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