I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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