Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
