I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We were destined to go to rehab together
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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