I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
