Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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