I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
