i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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