Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
