Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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