i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
