At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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