imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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