I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
