Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dick very happy bro
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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