i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
