can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
