my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
