If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
