So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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