Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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