My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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