I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
