There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
