So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
