I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
