she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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