Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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