walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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