I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
