ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My vagina just clenched in fear
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
