when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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