You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
