Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Less talking, more tequila
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
