I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
