Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
