She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
